Divorce is something that married couples should avoid as much as possible. But sometimes differences of opinion also do not find a bright spot, not getting better, the relationship gets worse. Until finally divorce is the only way that can be done. Not only must you face trial, you may also need to recover from injury. But there is one more thing you need to face, explain to the closest person, including your children.
Explaining to children is certainly not easy, you have to filter out the right words without appearing to blame each other. Maybe your children will also ask questions about your separation and your partner. Here is the question of the child when the divorced parents need to be anticipated.
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What are the questions of a child when a divorced parent?
Of course children will ask different questions depending on their age. When you explain to a 5-year-old child, maybe the questions asked don't really lead to your problems and your partner's. However, explaining to 5-year-olds will be a little difficult, because you have to make it understand without telling a lot of details.
Different also explains divorce in teenagers, he might ask difficult questions. Teenagers tend to have great curiosity, here you must be careful in explaining. Here are the various questions a child has when a divorced parent:
1. "What does it mean to divorce?"
Children 3 to 7 years may not understand when you explain separation or divorce with a partner. When you ask this question from your child, perhaps the simplest answer you can say is, "Mother and father no longer live together, but we are still parents who love you wholeheartedly." Your child may not immediately understand, even he will find out about divorce at school, ask friends or teachers at school.
The image of divorce in a child is certainly different, he feels that when one of his parents decides to leave it means no longer loving him. Not to mention jealousy to see his friend have intact parents. Sometimes the question of separation comes repeatedly. Divorce is not easy for you, but make sure your child knows that he will still be loved. Both you and your ex-partner will still share their time with him. Also tell the closest people or families who love him.
2. "Why are you divorced?"
Don't tell in detail, it will confuse you, but make sure you tell your answer. Like, "Mother and father really didn't want this to happen, but we kept on fighting until it made us tired. Even though life without a father /mother will feel different, but we are still your parents and will always love you. "
Avoid answering with , "We both don't love each other anymore." Your child can misinterpret his point. He might think that you and your ex-partner don't love him too. But of course this explanation is not just in the form of words, you and your ex-partner must also be committed to the development of children. Even though it feels difficult to compromise with your partner, try to slowly build relationships as friends.
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3. "I miss mom" or "I miss my father"
This might not be a question, but there must have been times when they expressed a sense of nostalgia for a former partner. You can calm it this way, "You can call mom /dad every day. You can also visit it every time you go home from school or during holidays. Let's talk with mom /dad, huh. "
You don't need to be afraid that children will side with ex-spouses, because this is not competition, the most important thing is that children get enough affection. When he grows up, he can understand for himself what really happened between you.
What if the child does not want to visit your mother /father (your ex-spouse)? You still have to try to persuade him, even if it makes him want to meet you immediately. The former partner is also entitled to get time with the child. Try to persuade him without having to force him.
4. "Where will I stay?"
This question might also come out when he knows the separation. Of course law in Indonesia has several considerations for deciding child custody. If the child is still small, usually custody will fall on his mother. But it does not rule out the possibility that children can stay with their father, when their mother is considered unable to look after her.
You and your ex-spouse can also compromise who you want to be left with, this is a good way without having to fight for custody. When you agree, only then do you explain.
But when children grow up, they have the right to choose. Don't force children to make choices. For example, you force him to be with you, otherwise he will lose the rights you have given.
In adolescence, children often choose parents who give them more freedom. Maybe you are afraid, giving him excessive freedom, but it really doesn't have to be that way. Maybe on the contrary, you are afraid he chooses a former partner. Let him go through that phase, your job is to control it and keep giving what the child is entitled to. When he is an adult, he will understand for himself which is good for him which is not.
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5. "Will you be back together?"
We don't know what will happen in the future. Maybe you and your ex-partner will come back together, maybe not. Even though this seems uncertain, don't give a confusing answer, it might look like giving a false hope to a child.
Say something like, "Mom /dad understand you want us to stay together, but now we have to separate. Not because we don't love you, but to be a good parent for you, this is something we must choose. We don't want to hurt you at our daily debate. We will remain together like friends. "
6. "Why don't you love each other again?"
This will be a difficult question. Try to answer without appearing to corner each other. Maybe your ex-partner's feelings change, but of course you don't need to answer that with hatred. For example, "We love each other from the past, to this day we still love each other. We just stop hurting each other, because we also don't want to hurt you. You might think father /mother no longer loves you, but that's not true. You are everything to us, someday you will understand, baby. "